Buffy Python's Vampire Circus - The Series
by AussieBullDog
Summary: My collection of Buffy/Monty Python crossover fic.
1. Small Town Vampires

TITLE: Buffy Python's Vampire Circus - The Series  
  
AUTHOR: BulldogPhilbo  
  
FEEDBACK: Liked it? Laughed at it? Laughed at me for writing it? Let me know!  
  
RATING: R (just in case - could be language issues and such ahead)  
  
SUMMARY: This will serve as a collection for any and all pieces of Montyfic I write from here on out. Every time I write some more, I'll whack it in here as a new chapter.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing that has anything to do with Buffy or Monty Python. I'm just borrowing some of the characters for my own amusement, and I'm making no money from writing this fic (although I always accept cash from willing donors - hint hint).  
  
DISTRIBUTION: You want it? You can have it. Just let me know where to see it.  
  
DEDICATION: This fic's for SpikeLover, the biggest Spike fan I know (she has the cherished Spike doll to prove it).  
  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Riley fans should be warned that some of these pieces of Montyfic contain elements of Riley-bashing, so tread carefully. Buffy/Xander 'shippers will probably enjoy some of these Montyfics better than the Riley fans.  
  
***  
  
A deserted Sunnydale street at night. Spike is leaning up against a wall, smoking a cigarette.  
  
GILES: (v.o.) This is Spike. Spike is a vampire. A small town vampire. Tonight, we look at the importance of vampires in small towns.  
  
SPIKE: Well, I've been living here in Sunnydale for a few years now, and I feel very keenly that the vampire is an important part of the small town system, and as such, has a vital role to play in a modern small town society, because you see ... oh, excuse me a second.  
  
A man comes walking along, and Spike grabs the man, vamps out, and sinks his fangs into the man's neck, drinking his blood. Once he has completely drained the man, Spike drops the body to the pavement, and leans up against the wall again.  
  
SPIKE: There is this very real need in small towns like Sunnydale for someone whom almost anyone can look at and be scared to death by, and as a vampire, this is the role that ... oh, hang on.  
  
An old lady comes shuffling by, and Spike vamps out, and bites the lady before she can even drop her handbag. After draining her, he drops her to the ground beside the man he drained earlier, and leans against the wall again, pulling another smoke out of his pocket.  
  
SPIKE: This is the role that I and vampires like me have fulfilled in Sunnydale for the past four hundred years.  
  
Riley comes along.  
  
SPIKE: Evening, Riley. Nice night for it.  
  
RILEY: Hey, Spike. Yes, splendid.  
  
Spike watches Riley with pride as he continues on his way.  
  
SPIKE: That's Riley. He's another vampire. I turned him. Did him the world of good. He's a lot more interesting to hang around these days. And so you see, the vampire does provide a vital evil-social service for this town.  
  
***  
  
Cut to Spike's crypt. Spike is inside, dressed in black T-shirt and black leather pants, practicing scary poses.  
  
GILES: (v.o.) Spike takes vampiring seriously. He is up at six o'clock every evening, working on special poses and threatening gestures designed to keep him scary. And of course, he takes great pride in his appearance.  
  
Spike throws on his duster and leaves the crypt.  
  
GILES: (v.o.) Now finished with his preparations, and ready for another productive night of killing and maiming, Spike puts on his favoured black leather duster, and heads out into the night.  
  
***  
  
Cut to another dark street. Spike walks along in a menacing way, looking for potential victims.  
  
GILES: (v.o.) Like the doctor, the blacksmith, the carpenter, Spike is an important figure in this village, and - like them - he uses the local bank.  
  
Cut to the front of the bank in broad daylight. A sign above the entrance reads "SUNNYDALE TOWN BANK". A figure huddled under a large blanket runs into the bank. People scatter and run like frightened mice when they see who's under the blanket.  
  
***  
  
Cut to Willow, standing just outside the bank.  
  
CAPTION: 'W. ROSENBERG - BANK MANAGER'  
  
WILLOW: Yes, we have quite a number of vampires banking here.  
  
GILES: (v.o.) What kind of money is there in vampiring?  
  
WILLOW: Well, nowadays, a really scary vampire can make anything up to five hundred thousand dollars a year. Nothing comes easier to a vampire than intimidating a typical, easily frightened human into emptying out the contents of their wallets or their purses.  
  
***  
  
Cut to a college lecture hall. Spike is at the front of the room, giving a lecture to a group of vampires who are seated in the rows of chairs. Riley is among them.  
  
GILES: (v.o.) Spike is no ordinary vampire. He works part-time, for extra cash, teaching a night class to newly-turned vampires on the finer points of vampirism. But what of the vampire's private life? How about his relationship with women?  
  
***  
  
Cut to Spike lying in bed in his crypt. He has Drusilla on one arm, and Harmony on the other. Both of them are drinking from deep gashes on either side of his face.  
  
SPIKE: Well, I may be a vampire, but I'm not dead. 


	2. Marriage Registry

An office. Buffy is standing behind a counter. A sign on the counter reads "MARRIAGE REGISTRY OFFICE." Faith comes in, and walks up to the counter.  
  
FAITH: Excuse me, I want to get married.  
  
BUFFY: I'm afraid I'm already married, ma'am.  
  
FAITH: No, no, I just want to get married.  
  
BUFFY: I could get a divorce, I suppose, but it'll be a bit of a wrench.  
  
FAITH: No, that wouldn't be necessary, because ...  
  
BUFFY:You see, would you come to my place, or should I have to come to yours, because I've just got a big mortgage.  
  
FAITH: No, no, I want to get married here.  
  
BUFFY: Oh, dear. I had my heart set on a church wedding.  
  
Faith is getting impatient.  
  
FAITH: Look, I just want you to marry me ... to ...  
  
BUFFY: I want to marry you to, ma'am, but it's not as simple as that. You sure you want to get married?  
  
FAITH: Yes. I want to get married very quickly.  
  
BUFFY: Suits me, ma'am. Suits me.  
  
FAITH: I don't want to marry you!  
  
Buffy looks disappointed.  
  
BUFFY: There is such a thing as breach of promise, ma'am.  
  
FAITH: Look, I just want you to act as registrar and marry me.  
  
BUFFY: I will marry you, ma'am, but please make up your mind. Please don't trifle with my affections.  
  
FAITH: I'm sorry, but ...  
  
BUFFY: That's all right, ma'am. I forgive you. Lovers' tiff. But you're not the first person to ask me today. I've turned down several people already.  
  
FAITH: Look, I'm already engaged.  
  
BUFFY: (thoughtfully) Yes, and I'm already married. Still, we'll get round it.  
  
Buffy smiles at Faith reassuringly. Faith just looks irritated.  
  
Willow walks in, and goes up to the counter.  
  
WILLOW: Good morning. I want to get married.  
  
BUFFY: I'm afraid I'm already marrying this woman, ma'am. (points at Faith)  
  
WILLOW: Well, can I get married after her?  
  
BUFFY: Well, divorce isn't as quick as that, ma'am. Still, if you're keen.  
  
Tara enters, and walks up to the counter.  
  
TARA: I want to get married, please.  
  
BUFFY: Heavens, it's my lucky day, isn't it? Alright, but you'll have to wait until I've married these two, ma'am. (points at Faith and Willow)  
  
TARA: What, those two getting married?  
  
Suddenly, Tara recognizes Willow.  
  
TARA: Willow! What are you doing marrying her?  
  
BUFFY: She's marrying me first, ma'am.  
  
TARA: She's engaged to me!  
  
Cordelia walks in and approaches the counter.  
  
CORDELIA: Come on, Buffy.  
  
BUFFY: Oh, no! It's my husband!  
  
WILLOW: (to Cordelia) Will you marry me?  
  
CORDELIA: I'm already married.  
  
***  
  
Cut to a shot of Buffy, Faith, Willow, Tara and Cordelia standing outside the one house, smiling happily.  
  
GILES: (v.o.) Well, things turned out alright in the end, but you mustn't ask how, 'cause it's naughty, and there might be kiddies reading this. They're all married, and living quite well in a nice house in Sunnydale, California.  
  
***  
  
Cut to another office. Wesley is standing behind the counter. A sign on the counter reads "A DIFFERENT MARRIAGE REGISTRY OFFICE." Buffy walks into the office. Riley is on one side of her, and Xander is on the other side. She is holding both of them by the elbow as she leads them up to the counter with her.  
  
BUFFY: Good morning.  
  
WESLEY: Good morning.  
  
BUFFY: Are you the registrar?  
  
WESLEY: I have that function.  
  
BUFFY: I was here on Saturday, getting married to this man, (points at Riley) and I'd like to change, please. I'd like to have this man instead. (points at Xander)  
  
WESLEY: What do you mean?  
  
BUFFY: Well, the first one wasn't any good (points at Riley again), so I'd like to swap it for this new one. (points at Xander again) I have paid. I paid on Saturday. Here's the ticket.  
  
Buffy hands Wesley her marriage licence.  
  
WESLEY: Uh, no. That was when you were married.  
  
BUFFY: Yes. That was when I was married to the wrong one. He's too cardboard-y and dull. This is the one I want to have, (points at Xander) so if you could just change the forms round, I can take this one back with me now.  
  
WESLEY: I can't do that.  
  
BUFFY: Look, make it simpler, I'll pay again.  
  
WESLEY: No, you can't do that.  
  
BUFFY: Look, all I want you to do is change the husband, say the words, blah, blah, blah, back to my place, no questions asked.  
  
WESLEY: I'm sorry madam, but we're not allowed to change.  
  
BUFFY: You can at K-Mart.  
  
WESLEY: You can't!  
  
BUFFY: You can! I changed my CD player and there wasn't a grumble.  
  
WESLEY: It's different.  
  
BUFFY: And I changed my hooded sweatshirt, and I changed my pink leather pants.  
  
WESLEY: Well, you can't change a bloody husband!  
  
BUFFY: Oh, all right! Well, can I borrow one for the weekend?  
  
WESLEY: No!  
  
BUFFY: Oh, come on! I only wanted a jolly good -  
  
Suddenly, Professor Walsh appears.  
  
WALSH: Right, stop that, stop that! It's filthy. That's it! That's the end! Stop the sketch! Stop it! 


	3. They're Not Exactly The Herman Rodrigues...

Cut to Buffy's darkened bedroom at night. Buffy and Riley are lying in bed, beside each other, on their backs, asleep. Suddenly, Buffy's window slowly and softly opens, and Xander climbs in. Once in, he quietly creeps over to Buffy's side of the bed and kneels down next to her sleeping form.  
  
XANDER: (whispering) Buffy!  
  
Buffy doesn't stir..  
  
XANDER: (whispering louder) Buffy! Wake up!  
  
When Buffy still doesn't stir, Xander bends down, and plants a kiss on her forehead. This finally rouses her, and she opens her eyes to see Xander smiling down at her. She smiles dreamily up at him.  
  
BUFFY: (softly) Xander ...  
  
Suddenly, Buffy remembers where she is, and she sits up in bed with a start.  
  
BUFFY: (louder) Xander! What are you doing here?  
XANDER: I just can't stay away from you any longer, Buffy. I know Anya and I are engaged, but I'm in love with you, and I can't deny it any longer. I have to be near you all the time.  
BUFFY: Xander, I love you too, but this is so not the time. Riley's right here, and if he wakes up -  
XANDER: What's the big deal? Let him wake up!  
  
Before Buffy can react, Xander reaches over her body and lightly slaps Riley on the side of the face a couple of times. Buffy starts to panic.  
  
BUFFY: (desperately) Xander, no, don't!  
  
She grabs Xander's arm and pushes it away from Riley and back over her body, back down to Xander's side. Fortunately, Riley hasn't been disturbed, and is still asleep beside her.  
  
BUFFY: Are you crazy? If he wakes up and sees you sneaking into my room in the middle of the night, he's liable to ... well, I don't know what he's liable to do! I've only just realized my feelings for you, but now I don't know how I feel about Riley anymore! It's all really confusing now, and very inconvenient for me!  
XANDER: Don't talk to me about inconvenience, Buffy! My love for you is consuming my mind, and I can't get you out of my head. My desire for you is making me absolutely delirious, and I know I can't let you out of my sight again. Not now, after being able to see you in this sweet moonlight. Buffy, I love you, I adore you, I worship you, and I want to spend every second of the rest of my life with you. Please, Buffy, tell me you feel the same way too?  
  
Stunned by Xander's declaration of devotion and love, Buffy can only sit perfectly frozen, her mouth wide open. Suddenly, the two of them throw themselves at each other, and start kissing passionately.  
  
XANDER: Oh, Buffy ...  
BUFFY: Oh, Xander ...  
RILEY: Oh, Buffy?  
  
Buffy and Xander quickly disentangle themselves from each other at the sound of Riley's voice. Xander ducks behind Buffy, hiding as best he can, lying down on the floor beside the bed. Beside Buffy, Riley is awake and sitting upright in the bed, facing straight ahead of him, though his eyes are still shut. Buffy lets out a deep breath and tries to act natural.  
  
BUFFY: What's wrong, Riley?  
  
Riley is silent for a moment, seemingly thinking to himself, still with his eyes shut.  
  
RILEY: Thought I heard something.  
BUFFY: Oh? Uh ... oh, yeah, someone just drove past on a ... on a motorcycle. It woke me too. Go back to sleep, honey.  
RILEY: Sure, okay, Buffy.  
  
Riley immediately lays back down and falls asleep again. Buffy and Xander simultaneously let out a sigh of relief as Xander hops back up and kneels beside Buffy once more.  
  
BUFFY: Phew ... that was a close one.  
  
She turns back to Xander, and looks at him with an expression of desperation on her face.  
  
BUFFY: Xander, you need to leave NOW!  
XANDER: But Buffy -  
BUFFY: No buts! I want to be with you too, but it's not that simple, and this isn't the place or the time. Please go. I'll talk to you in the morning.  
  
Xander sits silently for a moment, looking down at the floor, deep in thought. Finally, he looks back up at Buffy.  
  
XANDER: Alright, Buffy, I'll do what you want. I'll always do what you want me to do. You know that.  
  
Buffy smiles at him.  
  
BUFFY: I know. Goodnight, Xand.  
  
Xander smiles back.  
  
XANDER: Goodnight, Buff. Kiss before I go?  
  
Her smile growing even wider, Buffy moves closer to Xander. Just before their lips touch, however, they notice a tall figure standing right behind Xander. They both look up, and their hearts sink and their smiles fade when they see who is standing before them.  
  
ANGEL: Buffy! What the hell are you doing?  
BUFFY: Angel?  
ANGEL: What's the meaning of this?  
BUFFY: Oh, I can explain everything! You see, I was just lying here, sleeping, and Xander came in through the window, and - wait. How did you get in here?  
ANGEL: Through the window.  
XANDER: Buffy, you don't need to explain yourself to him anymore.  
  
Buffy looks at Xander.  
  
BUFFY: I know, Xander, but Angel and I have so much history. He deserves to know the truth.  
ANGEL: The truth? What truth?  
  
Buffy reluctantly looks back up at Angel.  
  
BUFFY: Angel ... Xander and I are in love.  
  
Had it been possible, the colour would have drained from Angel's face.  
  
ANGEL: WHAT? You're in love ... with HIM?!  
  
Well and truly angered, Xander gets to his feet and confronts Angel, getting right in the vampire's face.  
  
XANDER: Yeah, that's right, Deadboy! Seems our Slayer's developed a thing for guys with pulses. Hard to believe, isn't it? First Willow turns to lesbianism, and now this. So you can just run along. There's nothing between you and Buffy anymore. We're in love, and we're happy.  
  
Angel ignores Xander, and continues to look at Buffy.  
  
BUFFY: He's right, Angel. Xander and I love each other, and we're going to be together. Well, that is, after I break up with Riley. It wouldn't be fair to keep stringing him along like this. I'll have to break up with him tomorrow morning.  
ANGEL: How could you do this to me, Buffy? After all we've been through, how could you do it? First off, you jump into the sack with Captain Cardboard over there, and now you take up with this Zeppo.  
BUFFY: (quietly, and forcefully) Don't you say things like that about Xander ever again. Get over yourself! We had something once, but it's over. (her voice starts growing louder) So you can just run off back to L.A. and forget about me, and stop acting like you own my life!  
XANDER: (impressed) Go for it, Buff! You tell him what for.  
  
Buffy smiles at Xander, and Xander smiles back. Suddenly, Riley sits bolt upright in bed once more, his eyes still shut, exactly like before. Xander and Angel both look for somewhere to hide, and Buffy tenses up again.  
  
RILEY: Buffy!  
BUFFY: What is it, Riley?  
RILEY: I'm sure I heard something that time. What's happening?  
BUFFY: Oh, uh ... it's just a twig brushing against the window.  
RILEY: Oh. Okay.  
  
Riley lays back down and goes to sleep. Buffy, Xander and Angel relax.  
  
ANGEL: Buffy, I want you back. My life's been hell without you. Come back to L.A. with me. I found out I'm going to become human again. I don't know how, but apparently, it's going to happen. I want you to be there when it does. Please, come back with me.  
BUFFY: Don't you get it, Angel? We're through. You had your shot, and you blew it. Now get out of here. It's bad enough Xander being here with Riley asleep right next to me, but you being here as well is the last thing I need. Go!  
XANDER: Yeah, that's right, Deadboy. You're yesterday's news. Now beat it!  
BUFFY: (apologetically) Xander, you have to go too.  
XANDER: I know. But it's just so hard to do. I don't want us to be apart for another second.  
ANGEL: And I'm not going either, Buffy. Not without you.  
XANDER: Pay attention, Deadboy. She loves me now, not you.  
ANGEL: Don't try and stand between me and my soulmate, Harris, you little geek!  
XANDER: Oh, you are SO gonna pay for that, Deadboy!  
  
Xander and Angel stare each other down menacingly.  
  
BUFFY: Both of you, stop it! You guys are gonna get me in trouble!  
  
Neither of them hearing what Buffy is saying, Xander and Angel look as if they are about to come to blows. Before they get the chance, a familiar British voice is heard.  
  
SPIKE: What the bloody hell's going on here?  
BUFFY, XANDER & ANGEL: (in unsion) Oh, no.  
  
Buffy groans, realizing the situation has spun completely out of her control.  
  
BUFFY: Spike, what are you doing here?  
SPIKE: I came for you, Buffy.  
BUFFY: What?!  
ANGEL: Huh?  
XANDER: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.  
BUFFY: Oh, not again, Spike, please!  
SPIKE: I can't help it! I can't get you out of my bloody head, Slayer! You're all I think about. I can't take it anymore. So I came to take you away with me. We can never make it work in this miserable excuse for a town. So we have to get out of here, right now. I love you, and that's all that matters.  
XANDER: That's it, I've had it! Buffy, you gotta tell these guys to leave us alone. This is just getting too crazy.  
BUFFY: I know, but what do you want me to do? It's not my fault I'm so attractive and beautiful and sexy and irresistable and nice!  
XANDER: Yeah, but it's starting to seem like just about every single guy on the face of the earth is in love with you. God knows I am.  
  
Buffy can't help but smile at this.  
  
BUFFY: Every single guy on the face of the earth? I think that's a bit of an exaggeration, Xand.  
  
Suddenly, from outside of the open window ...  
  
GILES: Buffy? Buffy, are you here?  
BUFFY: Oh, you gotta be kidding me.  
XANDER: This is just getting ridiculous.  
  
As Buffy, Xander, Angel and Spike look on helplessly, Giles climbs in through the window. He then proceeds to bump all of the other men out of his way as he rushes over to Buffy's side and crouches by her.  
  
GILES: Buffy, before you say anything, just listen to me. For years now, I've been trying to fight this growing attraction I have for you. But I'm unable to do so any longer. Buffy, I'm in love with you, and I'm powerless to do anything about it.  
SPIKE: Bloody hell! What are you, ninety?  
ANGEL: Buffy, you can't seriously be listening to these guys!  
XANDER: G-Man? What is this?  
BUFFY: (helplessly) This can't be my life.  
  
Suddenly, Riley sits up in bed again, just the same way as before, facing straight ahead, eyes shut. Buffy tenses up again, while Xander, Angel, Spike and Giles repeatedly bump into each other trying to find hiding places around the room.  
  
RILEY: What's happening, Buffy?  
BUFFY: Oh, uh ... umm ... I think it's just someone's dog barking across town. Why don't you go back to sleep?  
RILEY: Fair enough.  
  
Riley lays back down again, and falls asleep. Buffy relaxes. Looking back at the others, she sees that they have all gathered around her side of the bed, and are sitting on chairs, and arguing with each other. Xander has produced a stake, and keeps thrusting it in Spike's direction, only being prevented by Angel, who is trying to grab the stake from Xander's grasp. Giles is polishing his glasses on his shirt while he looks on with an irritated look. Buffy shakes her head resignedly, having given up on trying to restore any order and getting her late night visitors out of the room. Meanwhile, Oz creeps into the room, holding his guitar, followed by the rest of Dingoes Ate My Baby, who are all carrying their instruments. The band creeps over to Riley's side of the bed, and Oz gently nudges Riley. Riley sits bolt upright in bed once more, but still doesn't open his eyes.  
  
RILEY: Who's there?  
OZ: Uh, hey, Riley, it's Oz.  
RILEY: Oh, hey, Oz. It's been a while.  
OZ: Yeah, it has.  
RILEY: What can I do for you?  
OZ: Well, the thing of it is, I need to talk to Buffy. Is that cool?  
RILEY: Oh, yeah, sure it is. She's over on the other side of the bed.  
OZ: Thanks. Come on, guys.  
  
Riley lays back down and falls asleep, while the Dingoes head over to the other side of the bed. The other four men in the room are still arguing with each other. Buffy has curled up under the covers, covering her head with the pillow in a futile attempt to drown them out. Finding a conveniently placed group of electrical sockets, the Dingoes plug in their instruments. None of the others in the room have noticed them yet. That soon changes, however, when the band members start playing a rock remix of the Monty Python theme music. Buffy, Xander, Angel, Spike and Giles all sit up and stare at the Dingoes. While the band plays, Devon holds up his microphone for Oz to talk into.  
  
OZ: Buffy, I came here tonight because I wanted to tell you something. See, ever since I met you, I felt something towards you. Even while I was with Willow, I could never ignore or deny the spark I always felt whenever you were near me.  
BUFFY, XANDER, ANGEL, GILES, & SPIKE: (in unison) What?!  
OZ: What I'm trying to say, Buffy, is that I'm in love with you. I came here because I want us to be together. Come away with me tonight, Buffy, and we'll be together forever.  
GILES: Buffy, when were you planning on telling me about all this?  
SPIKE: This is bloody stupid! Any of you soddin' poofters think you've got any chance at all with the woman I love, you're out of your bloody minds.  
ANGEL: Buffy, I leave town for a while and this is what I have to come back to?  
XANDER: I'm sorry, Buffy, I had no idea about any of this. I started all of this, and now it's gotten out of control. But I just wanted us to be together.  
  
Buffy smiles a little. Xander smiles back. The others in the room have all gone back to arguing with each other, and the Dingoes have joined in on the argument, though they are still playing. Riley is still sleeping peacefully as ever.  
  
BUFFY: I know, Xander. And it's not your fault. This all just ... happened. Stuff like this happens from time to time. But what can we do about it?  
XANDER: Well, I have an idea.  
BUFFY: What is it?  
  
Xander smiles mischieviously, and leans closer to whisper in Buffy's ear. Buffy smiles an equally mischievious smile as she listens to Xander whisper his idea to her. Suddenly, Riley sits up again, though he still doesn't open his eyes. Everyone else in the room breaks off, the Dingoes stop playing, and the room has become deathly silent.  
  
RILEY: Buffy!  
BUFFY: Oh, what is it now, Riley?  
RILEY: I distinctly heard the Monty Python theme song being performed in the rock stylings of a southern Californian college band.  
BUFFY: Oh, no ... um ... er ... uh ... it was just the electric blanket switching off.  
RILEY: Hmm. Well, I gotta take a leak.  
  
Riley gets out of bed and leaves the room, not noticing any of the other people in the room at all.  
  
ANGEL: Hey, where's he going?  
OZ: Yeah, the sketch hasn't finished yet!  
SPIKE: Oh, sod it. It was nearly over anyway. Besides, Buffy's in love with me, anyway.  
ANGEL: In your dreams, Spike.  
GILES: Well, I must say, this is no good at all. There's no one to react to anymore.  
WESLEY: What's going on in here?!  
  
The group turns and sees Wesley and Gunn climbing in through the window. Once inside, the two of them look around the room with confused expressions.  
  
GUNN: What, we miss it already?  
GILES: It's no good the two of you coming in. Riley's gone and left the sketch.  
WELSEY: What?  
OZ: Yeah, he just went to take a leak.  
ANGEL: (looking at Gunn and Wesley) Let me guess. You two are both in love with Buffy, and you've come here to take her away with you.  
WESLEY: Well ... yes, that's correct.  
GUNN: How'd you know?  
SPIKE: Oh, we're all here for the same reason, apparently. We're all in love with Buffy.  
WESLEY: Well, this is a fine mess, then.  
OZ: Can you blame us? Buffy's a hottie.  
GUNN: Yeah, you're tellin' me. I ain't even met this chick, and I'm as whipped over her as anybody.  
ANGEL: Hey, is Riley back yet?  
  
Cut to the bathroom. Riley is in there, and Anya is with him. The two of them are locked in a passionate embrace, and are kissing furiously. Anya starts to moan, and Riley quickly puts a hand over her mouth.  
  
ANYA: Hmph mmph mph?  
RILEY: (whispering) Ssh! Be quiet, or Buffy may suspect something's going on!  
  
Cut back to the bedroom.  
  
GILES: Well, all this talking is getting us absolutely nowhere. There's only one solution to this dilemma. Buffy is just going to have to choose one of us.  
GUNN: Say what?  
SPIKE: Oh, you've gotta be kidding.  
ANGEL: No, Giles is right. Buffy has to tell us all who she really loves, and the rest of you ...  
  
Angel is immediately met with numerous angry looks.  
  
ANGEL: Uh ... I mean, the rest of us will just have to accept it and move on.  
WESLEY: Yes, I suppose that's the most sensible option. It's all up to Buffy.  
OZ: Say, where is Buffy, anyway?  
  
The group looks around the room.  
  
SPIKE: And on top of that, where the hell is Xander?  
  
Cut to the street outside. Buffy and Xander run down the street, hand in hand, laughing under the moonlight. They round the corner, and Xander stops. Buffy stops with him, and the two of them embrace and kiss each other passionately. Eventually, they break off the kiss, and smile at each other.  
  
XANDER: Come on. Anya's out of town, and I've got a whole big empty apartment that isn't doing a single thing.  
BUFFY: Ooh, I like the sound of that.  
  
The two of them join hands, and start running again. Cut back to Buffy's bedroom. Willow and Tara are climbing in the window. Once inside, they look around the room with worried expressions, which soon turn to looks of disappointment.  
  
TARA: Where's Buffy?  
WILLOW: Oh no, we missed it?  
  
Cut to the Host, behind a desk.  
  
THE HOST: And now ... 


	4. The Dangers Of Being An Evil Vampire

Cut to a dusty crypt. In the middle of the crypt stands a table. Gathered around the table are Angel, Spike, Darla, Drusilla and Trick. There is a large map on the table. Angel, Spike, Darla and Drusilla are hovering over the map, while Trick is standing by the crypt entrance, shielding himself from the sunlight, looking out.  
  
ANGEL: All clear outside, Trick?  
TRICK: All clear, boss. Those slime demons you sent out must be keeping the Slayer real busy.  
ANGEL: Good. Right, this is the plan, guys. Trick, get back over here and listen. The sun is setting at exactly 5:47 tonight, which is less than an hour away now, so we'll head out at six. At 6:15, Spike, you collect me and Drusilla in your DeSoto, and take us over to the Sunnydale Butcher Shop in Keane Street. We will arrive outside the Sunnydale Butcher Shop at 6:22. Spike and I will get out of the car. Dru, you will take the DeSoto and park it in Woolever Drive. At 6:25, Spike and I will enter the Sunnydale Butcher Shop, where you, Darla, disguised as a hooker, will approach Spike and attempt to solicit him, thereby distracting the customers, as well as the staff behind the counter. I shall then slip by unnoticed into the back of the shop and find the manager. Once I find him, I will ask him if it is possible for me to purchase any leftover cow's blood or pig's blood that he is about to throw away. If the manager agrees to sell me the blood, Trick, you will then meet me in the alley behind the shop at 6:37, where I shall hand the blood over to you. You'll come straight back here to the crypt. Meanwhile, Drusilla will head over to the Sunnydale Supermarket in Grimes Lane, where she will buy five paper cups and five drinking straws. Spike and Darla, once I've left the shop, you two will leave the shop and head off in different directions, and we'll all rendezvous back here at 6:58, where we shall then pass out the cups and straws and enjoy our dinner. Alright, any questions?  
SPIKE: Yeah, I got a question.  
ANGEL: (impatiently) What is it, Spike?  
SPIKE: Well ...  
DARLA: What is it?  
SPIKE: Well, it's just that we don't seem to be doing anything evil.  
  
The other vampires all look at each other in confusion.  
  
DRUSILLA: What do you mean, my sweet?  
SPIKE: Well, Angel's paying for the blood.  
  
Angel looks patiently at Spike, not getting it. Neither is anyone else in the room.  
  
TRICK: And?  
SPIKE: Well ... why is Angel paying for the blood?  
  
Angel can't believe what he has just heard.  
  
ANGEL: Well, they wouldn't give me the blood if I didn't pay for it, would they?  
SPIKE: Yeah, but ... but we're vampires.  
  
There is a long pause, and the other vamps all look at each other again, still confused. Finally, Angel looks back at Spike.  
  
ANGEL: What's your point?  
  
Spike is starting to become annoyed.  
  
SPIKE: You know something? I'm sick of this bloody gang.  
DARLA: What's wrong with our gang?  
SPIKE: Well, we never do anything evil!  
  
The other vamps are now bewildered.  
  
TRICK: What the hell are you talking about, Spike?  
SPIKE: Well, have a look at that attack we made last night.  
ANGEL: (angrily) What was wrong with the attack?  
SPIKE: Well, walking up to that old lady on the sidewalk and asking her if she would be nice enough to come to the blood bank with us and donate a pint of blood for us to drink, that's what was wrong with it!  
DRUSILLA: What are you trying to say, Spike?  
SPIKE: Well, couldn't we just go out tonight and find some humans and bite them and drink their blood that way? That's what other vampires do.  
  
Angel is angry, and kicks the table over in his rage.  
  
ANGEL: You idiot, Spike! We've spent weeks organizing this job. Darla rented a room across the road from the butcher shop and filmed the people going in and out every day. Trick spent three weeks researching different kinds of animal's blood to find out which kinds were the most nourishing. And I'm not gonna risk ruining all the planning and all the effort we've put in just because you want to go out and suck on a few humans! Do you realize how quickly the Slayer would be on our backs if we did something like that? This is Sunnydale, Spike! We can't afford to be evil.  
SPIKE: I'll tell you what the problem is. You're all a bunch of soddin' pussies! You sit in this crypt every night, hiding from the Slayer like a bunch of frightened bunnies! Well, I've had enough! I'm going out to kill some humans like a real vampire, and if I happen to bump into the Slayer, I'll just have to kill her too. Or if she's in the mood for it, maybe I'll throw her a bit of a quick one. I'm outta here!  
  
Spike leaves forcefully. Unfortunately, he has forgotten that the sun is still up. A few moments later, he runs back into the crypt, beating out the flames on his head and arms.  
  
SPIKE: In a few minutes. 


	5. Buffy Summers And The Holy Stake

Sir Harris crawls along the ground, through the wind, the rain, the thunder and the lightning, until finally, he reaches the castle door. Frantically, he pounds on it.  
  
SIR HARRIS: Open the door! Open the door! In the name of King G-Man, open the door!  
  
The door opens, and Sir Harris falls face-first onto the floor of the castle. Looking up, he sees a large group of beautiful young women standing before him. The blonde girl at the front of the group holds a stake in one hand, and smiles sweetly down at the valiant knight.  
  
ALL: Hello!  
BUFFY: Welcome, gentle sir Knight. Welcome to the Castle Anyanka!  
  
Sir Harris looks up at Buffy with a disgusted expression.  
  
SIR HARRIS: The Castle Anyanka?!  
BUFFY: Yes. (her face falls) Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? (she smiles again) Oh, but we are nice! And we will attend to your every, every need!  
SIR HARRIS: Sweet, I'll take some of that action. (gets up) You are the keepers of the Holy Stake?  
BUFFY: (innocently) The what?  
SIR HARRIS: The Stake. It is here.  
BUFFY: Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile! (calling) Faith! Cordelia!  
  
Two beautiful brunette girls run up with excited expressions.  
  
FAITH and CORDELIA: Yes, oh Buffy!  
BUFFY: Prepare a bed for our guest.  
FAITH and CORDELIA: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you ...  
BUFFY: (impatienty) Yes, away, away. (to Sir Harris) The beds here are warm and soft. (she steps closer) And very, very big.  
  
Sir Harris raises his eyebrows, and grins widely.  
  
BUFFY: What is your name, handsome Knight?  
SIR HARRIS: Sir Harris, the White Knight. But my friends call me Xander.  
BUFFY: Well, Xander, mine is Buffy. Buffy Summers. Oh, but come!  
SIR HARRIS: Look, please, in God's name, show me the Stake!  
BUFFY: Oh, you have suffered much! You are delirious! I must get you to bed straight away!  
SIR HARRIS: Oh, alright then - Wait! No! Look, I have seen it! It is here!  
BUFFY: Sir Harris! Surely you would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.  
SIR HARRIS: Well, I ... uh ...  
BUFFY: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes and redheads, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us! Oh, it is a lonely life. Bathing, staking vampires, dressing, beheading demons, undressing, averting apocalypses, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights!  
  
Buffy and Sir Harris enter a small bedroom. Buffy guides Sir Harris over to the bed.  
  
BUFFY: Nay, nay, come, come. You may lie here.  
SIR HARRIS: (smiling) If you insist.  
  
As Buffy sets him down on the bed, she notices a wound on his thigh.  
  
BUFFY: Oh, but you are wounded!  
SIR HARRIS: No, no, it's nothing.  
BUFFY: Oh, but you must see the witches immediately!  
SIR HARRIS: Cool. I'm up for some group action. Where are they?  
  
Buffy claps her hands, and two girls, one redhead and one blonde, enter the room.  
  
WILLOW: What seems to be the trouble?  
SIR HARRIS: (to Buffy) They're witches?!  
BUFFY: Uh ... they've had a basic Wicca training.  
SIR HARRIS: (shrugs) Fair enough. Bring it on, ladies.  
BUFFY: Wicca Willow, Wicca Tara, practice your art.  
TARA: Try to relax.  
SIR HARRIS: Hey, no problem, gorgeous.  
  
Suddenly, Sir Harris remembers why he's here, and he gets up again.  
  
WILLOW: Back to your bed!  
SIR HARRIS: As much as I'd like to under normal circumstances, sweetheart, I'm here for a very serious reason ... which escapes me for the moment ... wait ... oh, yeah. The Stake is here! I have seen it!  
TARA: There's no Stake here.  
SIR HARRIS: I have seen it, I have seen it!  
  
Sir Harris walks out the door and back out into the front room.  
  
SIR HARRIS: I have seen -  
  
Sir Harris breaks off when he realizes the same group of beautiful young women is staring at him. The two witches follow him out. Suddenly, a familiar figure appears in front of him.  
  
SIR HARRIS: Buffy!  
SARAH: No, I am Buffy's identical twin sister, Sarah.  
SIR HARRIS: Oh. Well, excuse me, I ...  
  
Sir Harris goes to leave, but Sarah cuts him off.  
  
SARAH: Where are you going?  
SIR HARRIS: I have seen the Stake! It is here, in this castle!  
  
Sarah thinks for a moment, then looks angry.  
  
SARAH: Oh, no! Oh, no! Bad, bad Buffy!  
SIR HARRIS: What is it?  
SARAH: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Buffy! She has been setting a light to our beacon, which I've just remembered is Stake-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.  
SIR HARRIS: It's not the real Stake?!  
SARAH: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Buffy!  
  
Sarah stops for a minute.  
  
SARAH: You know, I am enjoying this scene. BulldogPhilbo wasn't going to use me in this story at first, but then he changed his mind, and now I'm glad! What a great scene this is!  
  
Cut to Mayor Wilkins.  
  
MAYOR WILKINS: At least my big scene was better visually.  
  
Cut to Spike.  
  
SPIKE: At least my scenes have some real humour, they're not just a string of pussy jokes.  
  
Cut to Wesley.  
  
WESLEY: Get on with it!  
  
Cut to a group of vampires.  
  
VAMPIRES: Yes, get on with it!  
  
Cut back to Sarah.  
  
SARAH: Oh, I am enjoying this scene!  
  
Cut to BulldogPhilbo, sitting at his computer.  
  
PHIL: Get on with it! I haven't got all night to write this thing!  
  
Cut to the Host.  
  
THE HOST: Yes, get on with it!  
  
Cut to a large army of demons. There must be a thousand of them.  
  
DEMONS: Yes, get on with it!  
  
Cut to Joss Whedon.  
  
JOSS: Yes, get on with it!  
  
SARAH: Oh, alright! Oh, she is a naughty person, and must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anyanka, we have but one punishment for setting alight the Stake-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed, and stake her!  
GIRLS: A staking! A staking!  
SARAH: You must stake her well. And after you have staked her, you may deal with her ashes as you like. And then ... stake me!  
WILLOW: And stake me!  
TARA: And me!  
FAITH: Yes, and me!  
CORDELIA: Stake me too!  
SARAH: Yes! Yes, you must give us all a good staking!  
GIRLS: A staking! A staking!  
SARAH: But before the staking, the wild monkey sex!  
GIRLS: Wild monkey sex! Wild monkey sex!  
SIR HARRIS: Well, I could stay a bit longer.  
  
Suddenly, the front door bursts open, and Sir Finn storms in.  
  
SIR FINN: Sir Harris!  
SIR HARRIS: Oh, hello.  
SIR FINN: Quick!  
SIR HARRIS: What?  
SIR FINN: You're in great peril!  
BUFFY: No, he isn't.  
SIR FINN: Silence, foul temptress!  
  
Sir Finn pulls out a taser gun and aims it at Sarah, but Sir Harris knocks it out of his hand.  
  
SIR HARRIS: You shoot her with that thing, and you're a dead man!  
SIR FINN: Quick, come on! We'll cover your escape!  
SIR HARRIS: Oh, shut up, Riley! If you're not up for this scene, that's fine! But don't tell me what to do. You're as lifelike as a piece of styrofoam, Finn, and you bore me to tears. Now get out!  
  
Thoroughly chastised, Sir Finn hangs his head in shame as he slowly walks towards the front door. Before he can reach it, though, Buffy reappears, and drives a stake through his chest. Sir Harris watches on in shock as Sir Finn crumbles into ashes and falls to the floor. Buffy smiles at him, and holds up her stake. It is glowing a bright gold.  
  
BUFFY: This what you were looking for, Xander?  
SIR HARRIS: My God! Riley was a vampire?!  
BUFFY: (shrugs) You just can't be too careful these days.  
SIR HARRIS: Guess not.  
SARAH: Nice work, sis!  
BUFFY: Thanks. Well, looks like my work here is done. I'm outta here. You coming, Xander?  
SIR HARRIS: Sure!  
SARAH: Now, hang on just a minute. Xander is ours!  
GIRLS: Yeah!  
BUFFY: What, are you nuts? This is a B/X story! If Xander and I don't hook up at the end, BulldogPhilbo's readers will go nuts! Isn't that right, BulldogPhilbo?  
  
Everyone looks up.  
  
BULLDOGPHILBO: (voiceover) Huh? Oh, yeah, that's right, Buffy.  
BUFFY: See? Now Xander's coming with me, and that's final!  
  
Sir Harris looks back at the other girls.  
  
SIR HARRIS: Sorry, ladies, but I'm spoken for, it would seem. Hey, Buffy, wait up!  
  
Sir Harris jogs over to Buffy, and they kiss passionately before walking out. 


	6. How To Be A Successful Encyclopedia Sale...

Fade in on the front door of the Summers house. Spike walks up to the doorstep and knocks on the door.  
  
SPIKE: (calling) Vampire!  
  
No one answers for a moment, so Spike knocks and calls out again.  
  
SPIKE: Vampire!  
  
The door opens, and Dawn is standing there.  
  
DAWN: Yes?  
SPIKE: Vampire, madam.  
DAWN: What do you want?  
SPIKE: I want to come in and suck your blood, madam.  
DAWN: (suspiciously) Are you an encyclopedia salesman?  
SPIKE: No, madam, I'm a vampire. I kill people.  
DAWN: I think you're an encyclopedia salesman.  
SPIKE: Oh, I'm not! Invite me in, please!  
DAWN: If I invite you in, you'll just try to sell me encyclopedias.  
SPIKE: I won't, madam. I just want to come in and kill you and drink your blood. Honestly.  
DAWN: Promise? No encyclopedias?  
SPIKE: None at all.  
DAWN: Alright. I invite you in.  
  
Dawn steps back, and lets Spike enter the house. Quick as a flash, Spike slams the door, grabs Dawn by the shoulders, vamps out, and sinks his fangs into her neck. He starts to drink her blood, then suddenly stops, and looks at Dawn. Spike's lips are red with Dawn's blood, and his face is thoughtful. Dawn starts to look afraid as she realizes she's been tricked.  
  
SPIKE: Mind you, I don't know whether you've really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopedias. You know, they can really do you wonders.  
  
Cut to Giles, sitting behind a desk.  
  
GILES: That man was a successful encyclopedia salesman. But not all encyclopedia salesmen are successful. Here is an unsuccessful encyclopedia salesman.  
  
Cut back to the Summers' front door. It is closed again. Angel walks up to the doorstep and knocks.  
  
ANGEL: (calling) Vampire!  
  
The door opens, and Buffy is standing there, holding a stake. Quick as a flash, she plunges the stake into Angel's chest. Angel staggers back, clutching at his heart.  
  
ANGEL: You don't ... have to say ... yes ... right away ...  
  
He falls to the ground, and bursts into ashes. Cut back to Giles at the desk.  
  
GILES: I think there's a lesson there for all of us. And now ... 


	7. Slayers, Inc.

It's a typical sunny Sunnydale day. Main Street is quiet, but one man is moving down the sidewalk, past all the stores and assorted places of business. It's Xander Harris, and he's pushing what looks to be a person stuffed inside a large sack as he walks along. The person in the sack is doing their best to hop along, and they are obviously tied up and unable to move freely.  
  
Eventually, Xander reaches his destination. He stops at a door. A sign on the door reads: SLAYERS, INC. He opens the door and walks inside, herding the person in the sack in with him.  
  
Inside, Buffy Summers is behind the counter. She sees Xander come in, and smiles at him.  
  
BUFFY: Morning.  
XANDER: Good morning.  
BUFFY: What can I do for you, sir?  
XANDER: Well, I wonder if you can help me. You see, my fiance has just become a vampire, and I'm not really sure what to do with her.  
BUFFY: Ah, well, we can help you. We deal with vamps. Now, there's four things we can do with your fiance. We can stake her, behead her, set her on fire, or dump her.  
  
Xander is shocked.  
  
XANDER: Dump her?  
BUFFY: Yes, sir. Dump her in a huge tank filled with holy water.  
XANDER: What?  
BUFFY: Oh ... did you like her?  
XANDER: Well ... sort of, I guess.  
BUFFY: Oh, well we won't dump her, then. Well, what do you think? A staker, a beheader, or we set her on fire?  
XANDER: Well ... which do you recommend?  
BUFFY: Well, they're all nasty. If we stake her, we grab hold of her, then we pull this little beauty out ...  
  
Buffy pulls a large and very sharp stake out from underneath the counter. Xander's eyes widen as he looks at it.  
  
BUFFY: ... and we stick it right in her chest. The stake pierces her heart, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite a vampire. If she's a vampire, though, she crumbles into ashes, which you can then keep if you like and pretend were hers.  
XANDER: Uh-huh.  
BUFFY: Or, if we behead her, we're going to need something a little bigger, 'cause old faithful Mr. Pointy just won't get the job done. So, we use this.  
  
Reaching under the counter again, Buffy puts the stake away, and pulls out a huge battleaxe. Xander's eyes practically bug out of his head.  
  
BUFFY: One carefully aimed slice with this baby, which is dead easy for Slayers like me, and the vampire's head comes rolling off quick as you like, which again, is a bit of a shock if she's not quite a vampire. Once again, the body crumbles into ashes, which you could roll up and smoke for all the difference it would make.  
XANDER: I see.  
BUFFY: Or, we could set her on fire.  
  
Buffy reaches out under the counter again, and puts the battleaxe away. This time, she pulls out a massive flamethrower.  
  
XANDER: Whoa!  
BUFFY: Hey, you ever see Ghostbusters?  
XANDER: Uh ... yeah, sure, when I was kid.  
BUFFY: Ever wanted to try it yourself?  
XANDER: Uh, sure, I guess so.  
BUFFY: Well, now, here's your chance. Gotta warn you, though. This one is extremely nasty. All you have to do is aim this here flamethrower at the vampire and let 'em have it. The vamp goes up in smoke before your very eyes.  
XANDER: Wow!  
BUFFY: Yes, the visual effects are stunning. However, should you decide on this course of action, make sure you stand back. We don't have any special two-for-the-price-of-one offers here. Once the vampire goes up in flames, once again, ashes result. Incidentally, it'd be a good idea not to try any of these methods on the good carpet. Oh, and the flamethrower method is, again, not so hot if she's not quite a vampire.  
XANDER: I see. Well, she's definitely a vampire.  
BUFFY: Great. Let's have a look at her. Where is she?  
XANDER: She's in this sack. I had to use the sack to cover her with, seeing as it's daylight outside and all.  
BUFFY: Yes, of course. Wise thinking, sir.  
  
Xander pulls the sack from off the vampire, revealing Anya, vamped-out and fangs bared. Her arms are tied behind her back, and her feet are tied together. She hisses angrily at Xander.  
  
XANDER: She's been like this ever since she turned. She even tried to bite me this morning.  
BUFFY: Oh! She looks quite young!  
XANDER: Well, actually, she's over eleven hundred years old, but that's another story.  
  
Buffy raises her eyebrows, impressed.  
  
BUFFY: She hides it well.  
  
Buffy looks thoughtful, then turns her head and calls out to the back room.  
  
BUFFY: Faith!  
  
Faith appears from the back room, wiping vamp-dust from her shirt.  
  
FAITH: What is it, B? I just had to take down five vamps while you were in here chatting. I'm wicked tired.  
  
Buffy points at Anya.  
  
BUFFY: I think we've got a curser.  
XANDER: What?  
FAITH: Yeah, okay. I'll get the ingredients together.  
  
Faith turns and walks back into the back room. Xander looks at Buffy, confused.  
  
XANDER: What are you talking about? What's a curser?  
BUFFY: Oh, it's the latest thing! It's an old gypsy curse that curses the vampire by restoring the soul of the human it used to be.  
XANDER: Wonderful what you can do nowadays.  
BUFFY: Yeah! It's really catching on. We can curse your vampire for you. Of course, she'll still be a vampire, but at least she won't be evil anymore, which means you won't have to worry about being bitten!  
XANDER: Well, that sounds great. Although ...  
BUFFY: Yes?  
XANDER: Well, I don't want to sound shallow, but I'm not too keen on being engaged to a vampire. I'd much rather go out with someone who's still alive.  
BUFFY: Can't be blamed for that.  
XANDER: Plus, I don't think Anya would enjoy being trapped in a vampire's body very much. It would be a little cruel to do that to her. Maybe we should forget about this curse thing and just kill her.  
BUFFY: Look, tell you what. We'll curse your fiance, and if you're still feeling a bit guilty about it afterwards, bring her back in, and we'll stake the crap out of her.  
XANDER: Alright.  
  
He stops and looks thoughtful.  
  
XANDER: Incidentally, seeing as I'm a single man again now, what are you doing tonight?  
BUFFY: Just patrolling. The usual, really.  
XANDER: Yeah, of course. Well, you wanna do something afterwards? I know this really great club downtown. It's called the Bronze. What do you say?  
  
Buffy smiles, and puts the flamethrower back under the counter. 


End file.
